From the Laptop of Randomness:
"If you think you've figured it out,
wait until the children come home."
"Grass doesn't care of the temperature.
It only cares about the sunshine and rain."
"Life is like an egg... hard-boiled."
"The other side of the pillow isn't really
always cooler, it's just that your head
is always a little warmer."
"Why do today what you should have
"Dandelions are not part of May flowers,
they're just a weed."
"I'm not snoring, I'm dreaming about chainsaws."
"Stay home, hug your wife, kiss you children.
Save gas like that."
"I love the part of spring when the trees actually
start to cast a fuller shadow."
"I don't do laundry because I like it. I do laundry
because other people don't want to see me naked."
"What is luck? It's where your lack of faith
meets God's grand plan for your life."
"Pizza. No matter how it's made, it's still
better than (name your least favorite vegetable here).